Car Names

It’s odd, but also telling, that the word “automobile” is frequently abbreviated as “auto”. Whereas the former means “self-moving” the latter means simply “self”, and the number of people who see their cars as an extension of themselves is ample evidence of just how appropriate the term is. So it seems particularly strange that so many car makers should give their products names that don’t mean anything. They’re just made up words. The earliest example I can think of (and I’m no trivia expert in this area) is the Oldsmobile Cutlass Cierra. What’s a Cierra? Oh, just a word some marketing guy thought up that was deemed evocative in some appealing way.

It’s been all downhill from there, but “Cierra” did establish the trend. And it set a pattern in an even more subtle way: These made-up names most often end in a vowel. And the preference is for the letter “a” whenever possible. I’ll leave it to someone else to explore the psychological implications of all this. I’m simply going to bemoan the waste of thousands of perfectly good real words that could be used for car names. Why invent words to name your new vehicle when there are so many unused gems in the English language? How about a car called the Influx? Or the Outrage?

There are plenty more where those came from. I’ll demonstrate:

If you’re looking for a lifestyle upgrade, the hip new Chevy Onset could be the start of something good.

People will know you’re one smart cookie when they see you behind the wheel of the stylish Suzuki Oreo.

Why not treat your friends to a night out on the town in the spacious and luxurious Toyota Onus, so you can tell them “it’s on me!”

The hot new Pontiac Reflux has performance and looks guaranteed to give the competition heartburn.

Built for comfort, not for speed, the Dodge Sloth will have you wanting to take the long way home.

There’s no need to hedge your bets with the Honda Privet – it’s no bush league automobile!

One sure way of getting back at all the people who put you down when you were a teenager is to show up at your high school reunion in the impressive Saab Cretin.

Is radical styling a sign of real performance or just a smokescreen? With the Mazda Miasma you can have both!

If you’re just itching for a new car, picking up a snazzy Nissan Eczema wouldn’t be a rash decision.

What car includes everything – absolutely everything – you could possibly want in a compact SUV? Why the new Hyundai Enchilada, of course!

If you’re going to drive your whole mob around you may be more interested in a full-size SUV. Well if the giant Ford Extortion doesn’t satisfy the Tony Soprano in you, you’ll have to agree that the high note in this year’s luxury line-up is set by the enormous Cadillac Castrata – more than large enough to make up for your own inadequacies.

They’ll hear you coming a mile away thanks to the throaty exhaust note of the powerful Chrysler Larynx, the car with the name that says it all.

There are cars to be seen in, and there are cars from which to see – or perhaps even ogle. If the second option sounds appealing, the Plymouth Voyeur could be the minivan for you.

If you’re a woman over 70 who can barely see over the steering wheel – or barely see at all – the new Buick Cataract is the luxury boat for you’ve been waiting for.

But male senior citizens haven’t been left out: The new Ford Fedora has extra headroom to accommodate hats of all styles, as well as a turn signal stalk that locks to the left or right but has no center “off” position!

Taking a good thing one step further, the Volvo XS has a built-in espresso maker and no turn signals at all.

Finally, the sporty Kia Zadora is guaranteed to get you noticed. Unfortunately, it’s likely to spend considerable time in the repair shop, not for any specific problem, but just because the car is generally acting badly.